I have moved out to the 'burbs, land of the eternal Ramsey Street, and at time of writing am sitting in an internet cafe in the centre of Melbourne some 55 minutes by train from where I lay my head. There is no internet beyond the borders of the city I am afraid so the reports have been scarce - also I couldn't be bothered last week.

Saw my first spider the other day. It was tiny but it had big old fangs on its face. I was advised to make an end of it, which was harder than I thought. Not morally you understand as I was quick to discard the live-and-let-live attitude I take in the UK towards the arachnid for a more stout Aussie-sounding "might as well put a shoe on it." I figure the things are a danger to my life - kill them.

This was not as easy as I thought - the fiend was capable of teleporting short distances and, as I failed to make contact yet again, I began to wonder who of us had the more stamina. Fortunately the repeat attacks must have drained the power of it's teleportation device and it was soon the filling of the worlds most horrible sandwich - glass, poisonous spider, book about future technology and its effect on business.

I don't doubt for a second that the creature was a meer emissary for the really spider that lurks out there still, and has been since my arrival. Awakened from a thousand year sleep it prowls across the countryside now, its every step bringing it closer to its destiny - and my face....

They say that throughout your lifetime you will eat 5 spiders in your sleep. If this were the case there would be a lot more dead Australians.

What a lovely sunday - got chatting to this old dude who lives down the hall who had just finished a round of drinks/golf, and as it had just gone 8:00am we decided to spend the day on my first Australian picnic - this consists of half a pre-cooked chook each and a 6-pack of refreshing ales, consumed down by the lake on the edge of town. In fact this is actually common practise for the homeless and down at heel around the world as I soon come to realise as my colleague blurts out comments to passers-by and tries to offer bread for duck-feeding to children.

Pretty pissed by 1:30, wander home and have a long old kip then get up and watch "Australia's Biggest Loser" a show where fat folk are forced by nazis to lose weight and (without hint of irony) compete to become the week's "Biggest Loser"

This is probably not news to anyone who actually watches TV as I imagine a version exists in the UK - this post is starting to flow nicely downhill, er... feeling a bit out of order for trying to be witty and superior and all that about the fat people show....

Hmmm...

The Railway Hotel

The delightful Railway Hotel sits on one of two Albert Streets in Melbourne (the one furthest away from where you are staying). As it's name suggests it is conveniently placed for access to rail transport which leaves every 15 minutes, even in the middle of the night!

Access to medical facilities is obviously easy, as is indicated by the first guest you meet - a biker sporting a neck-brace and fashionable sunglasses (not just for hiding bruises)

After passing through the spacious kitchen/lounge well-stocked with your favourite magazine titles (including personal favourite The Hep C Review) you come to the hotel's smoking balcony which can only be described as "in a state of advanced decay". Brave a few moments on this stationary rollercoaster to take in the sights...

Across the street is a Safeway supermarket where attractive female cashiers will be happy to poke fun at your inadequate food purchases (see Traveller's Tips #2 for full list of basket contents), this jolity has the added effect of making you feel that your hat is not as rad as you previously thought, which may even lead to you not wearing it as much and getting heat stroke.

Who needs air conditioning even in Melbourne during one of it's hottest years? With the live bands playing at the appropriately-named "Noise Bar" situated on the ground floor you won't be sleeping much anyway!

Keep your eyes out for the locals - like Nina from the room next door, will she ever get her ex-boyfriend to leave her alone? Not until he gives her back her wallet!

Enjoy your stay, and in the words of dry cleaner and semi-permanent resident Val "never lose your keys!"

Traveller's Tips #2

QUICK MEALS!!!!

A packet microwave Mac & Cheese meal is not only a bargain at around a dollar, but can also be used to make multiple MEALS. Here's how...

1. The instructions suggest microwaving the Macaroni provided - instead, don't read the instructions correctly and heat your own macaroni, then when you open the pack expecting cheese powder to pour out you will realise that you have an extra supply of macaroni (+ 1 meal!)

2. When the instructions advise you not to drain any water from the bowl after you have microwaved the pasta, just add the cheese powder and allow to thicken - do as you are told, thus creating a 2-in-1 meal - vaguely cheesy tasting undercooked macaroni and a thin cheese soup to boot!

Stay tuned for more tips, such as - why combine Orange & Mango concentrate with water when you can drink the water and the concentrate seperately - who cares if the concentrate comes in a packet that makes it look like straight juice!