Coming soon to a cinema near you
John Voight stars in
KFC: the Colonel Saunders story
Friday 19 March 2010
Monday 8 March 2010
Stars & Cars
[The following entry is a record of the events of the weekend of the 20th of Feb]
So off we go into the bush. We travel by car (a Ford Falcon) driven by a Swedish gentleman who shall be referred to as Vedts, fore 'tis his name. An accomplished driver, farm-hand, motorcyclist, dancer also very good at being a friend. I sit in the front passenger seat being the tallest and am thus able to rest my feet on the dashboard, muck around with the aircon and radio - basically stretch out and enjoy the journey. I am afforded this luxury by our gracious hostess Claire Hawkins (sitting behind me), whos family farm we will be staying at for the first night - Sinead and Andrew Anderson, friends from the old country, are also in the car.
I will not go into particular details concerning the journey, though I will mention that it took some three and a half hours and took us through several one-horse towns (only one horse perhaps, but plenty of cars aha ha ha ha)
That evening we all sat upon the back porch of the palatial farmhouse and gazed up at the stars and oh what an array of beauty was laid out before us! I saw for the first time in my life the belt of the Milky Way - so many stars clustered together that a dusty light threaded between them and formed a trail across the sky almost from horizon to horizon. I stayed staring up for several hours, saying little, just reveling in the sight - one which I have desired to see from my earliest days reading Children's Guides to the Universe books.
The next morning we went on a tour of the the Hawkins' farmland. Claire and Sinead led the way on a quad bike. Andy and Vendts saddle up two off-road motorbikes and tore off after the girls. I was left with the car. Heh heh heh...
I was in full Mad Max mode driving after those guys down dusty tracks cut through the vast plots of land. Wait, I should say I wasn't in FULL Mad Max mode or I would have run those puny bikes off the road, killed the riders and siphoned the gas into my car's tank - I was in enough of a Mad Max mode to pull some heavy powerslides round the corners and stab a couple of skid-stops out at intervals.
After this little adventure we hit the road again. After driving about an hour through bushland; woodland, scrub, the occasional road sign peppered with shotgun pellet holes, the land around us opened up and the scenery disappeared. All that remained either side of the road was flat, dusty scrubland as far as the eye could see. This land seemed to go on forever as we drove for over an hour. Eventually more trees and a pub revealed themselves and we had reached our destination. A place called Borooban (spelling correct at time of going to press).
The evening is hosted by Jackie Stevens who has arranged what I assume, nay hope, is the typical Aussie barbeque, for the fare is of a particular excellence. As to the event itself, much drinking and dancing like a berk took care of my reputation in the eyes of the ladies and I retired to my bed. This bed was simply a mat laid out by the side of the car, such was the weather that a simple duvet was only barely required and I fell into a deep slumber under that wonderful starry canopy the world had once again unveiled.
It was not until the morning that I realised my mistake.
I had laid myself out that night, stunned to motionless sleep, as perfect a banquetting table as any mosquito could wish for. Had I been awake I might have heard the tiny mosquito horns calling out signalling dinner, and the answering calls from mosquito clans strewn across the bush. Such is the arrogance of Man that we assume to be sole masters of long-distance communication and logistics, for the mosquitos obviously had access to their own version of email, send out express invitations to all mosquitos in Australia, who were, through the use of a transport technology far superior to our own, able to transport themselves and their brood across the vast swathes of countryside to my unconscious body in under four hours (this being the time of my visit to the Land of Nod). For almost two weeks afterwards I sported a map of the night sky on my own body, though now in red on pale white (yes still no tan), I could make out the belt of the Milky Way.
It was good of the insects to remind me of the eternal balance within nature between the beautiful and the incredibly irritating. We must take care not to overly imbue any of our experiences with too much of one at the expense of the other, for though the star field I have seen is indeed beautiful it is made up of billions of nuclear explosions floating in a freezing, unbreathable vaccum and to wish ourselves to be out amongst those wonders is to wish not only to experience beauty but also incredible irritation.
I did enjoy watching a mosquito splat on the windshield of the car on the way home though. And that really is as circular as I can make this particular entry.
So off we go into the bush. We travel by car (a Ford Falcon) driven by a Swedish gentleman who shall be referred to as Vedts, fore 'tis his name. An accomplished driver, farm-hand, motorcyclist, dancer also very good at being a friend. I sit in the front passenger seat being the tallest and am thus able to rest my feet on the dashboard, muck around with the aircon and radio - basically stretch out and enjoy the journey. I am afforded this luxury by our gracious hostess Claire Hawkins (sitting behind me), whos family farm we will be staying at for the first night - Sinead and Andrew Anderson, friends from the old country, are also in the car.
I will not go into particular details concerning the journey, though I will mention that it took some three and a half hours and took us through several one-horse towns (only one horse perhaps, but plenty of cars aha ha ha ha)
That evening we all sat upon the back porch of the palatial farmhouse and gazed up at the stars and oh what an array of beauty was laid out before us! I saw for the first time in my life the belt of the Milky Way - so many stars clustered together that a dusty light threaded between them and formed a trail across the sky almost from horizon to horizon. I stayed staring up for several hours, saying little, just reveling in the sight - one which I have desired to see from my earliest days reading Children's Guides to the Universe books.
The next morning we went on a tour of the the Hawkins' farmland. Claire and Sinead led the way on a quad bike. Andy and Vendts saddle up two off-road motorbikes and tore off after the girls. I was left with the car. Heh heh heh...
I was in full Mad Max mode driving after those guys down dusty tracks cut through the vast plots of land. Wait, I should say I wasn't in FULL Mad Max mode or I would have run those puny bikes off the road, killed the riders and siphoned the gas into my car's tank - I was in enough of a Mad Max mode to pull some heavy powerslides round the corners and stab a couple of skid-stops out at intervals.
After this little adventure we hit the road again. After driving about an hour through bushland; woodland, scrub, the occasional road sign peppered with shotgun pellet holes, the land around us opened up and the scenery disappeared. All that remained either side of the road was flat, dusty scrubland as far as the eye could see. This land seemed to go on forever as we drove for over an hour. Eventually more trees and a pub revealed themselves and we had reached our destination. A place called Borooban (spelling correct at time of going to press).
The evening is hosted by Jackie Stevens who has arranged what I assume, nay hope, is the typical Aussie barbeque, for the fare is of a particular excellence. As to the event itself, much drinking and dancing like a berk took care of my reputation in the eyes of the ladies and I retired to my bed. This bed was simply a mat laid out by the side of the car, such was the weather that a simple duvet was only barely required and I fell into a deep slumber under that wonderful starry canopy the world had once again unveiled.
It was not until the morning that I realised my mistake.
I had laid myself out that night, stunned to motionless sleep, as perfect a banquetting table as any mosquito could wish for. Had I been awake I might have heard the tiny mosquito horns calling out signalling dinner, and the answering calls from mosquito clans strewn across the bush. Such is the arrogance of Man that we assume to be sole masters of long-distance communication and logistics, for the mosquitos obviously had access to their own version of email, send out express invitations to all mosquitos in Australia, who were, through the use of a transport technology far superior to our own, able to transport themselves and their brood across the vast swathes of countryside to my unconscious body in under four hours (this being the time of my visit to the Land of Nod). For almost two weeks afterwards I sported a map of the night sky on my own body, though now in red on pale white (yes still no tan), I could make out the belt of the Milky Way.
It was good of the insects to remind me of the eternal balance within nature between the beautiful and the incredibly irritating. We must take care not to overly imbue any of our experiences with too much of one at the expense of the other, for though the star field I have seen is indeed beautiful it is made up of billions of nuclear explosions floating in a freezing, unbreathable vaccum and to wish ourselves to be out amongst those wonders is to wish not only to experience beauty but also incredible irritation.
I did enjoy watching a mosquito splat on the windshield of the car on the way home though. And that really is as circular as I can make this particular entry.
Thursday 18 February 2010
I have moved out to the 'burbs, land of the eternal Ramsey Street, and at time of writing am sitting in an internet cafe in the centre of Melbourne some 55 minutes by train from where I lay my head. There is no internet beyond the borders of the city I am afraid so the reports have been scarce - also I couldn't be bothered last week.
Saw my first spider the other day. It was tiny but it had big old fangs on its face. I was advised to make an end of it, which was harder than I thought. Not morally you understand as I was quick to discard the live-and-let-live attitude I take in the UK towards the arachnid for a more stout Aussie-sounding "might as well put a shoe on it." I figure the things are a danger to my life - kill them.
This was not as easy as I thought - the fiend was capable of teleporting short distances and, as I failed to make contact yet again, I began to wonder who of us had the more stamina. Fortunately the repeat attacks must have drained the power of it's teleportation device and it was soon the filling of the worlds most horrible sandwich - glass, poisonous spider, book about future technology and its effect on business.
I don't doubt for a second that the creature was a meer emissary for the really spider that lurks out there still, and has been since my arrival. Awakened from a thousand year sleep it prowls across the countryside now, its every step bringing it closer to its destiny - and my face....
They say that throughout your lifetime you will eat 5 spiders in your sleep. If this were the case there would be a lot more dead Australians.
Saw my first spider the other day. It was tiny but it had big old fangs on its face. I was advised to make an end of it, which was harder than I thought. Not morally you understand as I was quick to discard the live-and-let-live attitude I take in the UK towards the arachnid for a more stout Aussie-sounding "might as well put a shoe on it." I figure the things are a danger to my life - kill them.
This was not as easy as I thought - the fiend was capable of teleporting short distances and, as I failed to make contact yet again, I began to wonder who of us had the more stamina. Fortunately the repeat attacks must have drained the power of it's teleportation device and it was soon the filling of the worlds most horrible sandwich - glass, poisonous spider, book about future technology and its effect on business.
I don't doubt for a second that the creature was a meer emissary for the really spider that lurks out there still, and has been since my arrival. Awakened from a thousand year sleep it prowls across the countryside now, its every step bringing it closer to its destiny - and my face....
They say that throughout your lifetime you will eat 5 spiders in your sleep. If this were the case there would be a lot more dead Australians.
Sunday 7 February 2010
What a lovely sunday - got chatting to this old dude who lives down the hall who had just finished a round of drinks/golf, and as it had just gone 8:00am we decided to spend the day on my first Australian picnic - this consists of half a pre-cooked chook each and a 6-pack of refreshing ales, consumed down by the lake on the edge of town. In fact this is actually common practise for the homeless and down at heel around the world as I soon come to realise as my colleague blurts out comments to passers-by and tries to offer bread for duck-feeding to children.
Pretty pissed by 1:30, wander home and have a long old kip then get up and watch "Australia's Biggest Loser" a show where fat folk are forced by nazis to lose weight and (without hint of irony) compete to become the week's "Biggest Loser"
This is probably not news to anyone who actually watches TV as I imagine a version exists in the UK - this post is starting to flow nicely downhill, er... feeling a bit out of order for trying to be witty and superior and all that about the fat people show....
Hmmm...
Pretty pissed by 1:30, wander home and have a long old kip then get up and watch "Australia's Biggest Loser" a show where fat folk are forced by nazis to lose weight and (without hint of irony) compete to become the week's "Biggest Loser"
This is probably not news to anyone who actually watches TV as I imagine a version exists in the UK - this post is starting to flow nicely downhill, er... feeling a bit out of order for trying to be witty and superior and all that about the fat people show....
Hmmm...
Friday 5 February 2010
The Railway Hotel
The delightful Railway Hotel sits on one of two Albert Streets in Melbourne (the one furthest away from where you are staying). As it's name suggests it is conveniently placed for access to rail transport which leaves every 15 minutes, even in the middle of the night!
Access to medical facilities is obviously easy, as is indicated by the first guest you meet - a biker sporting a neck-brace and fashionable sunglasses (not just for hiding bruises)
After passing through the spacious kitchen/lounge well-stocked with your favourite magazine titles (including personal favourite The Hep C Review) you come to the hotel's smoking balcony which can only be described as "in a state of advanced decay". Brave a few moments on this stationary rollercoaster to take in the sights...
Across the street is a Safeway supermarket where attractive female cashiers will be happy to poke fun at your inadequate food purchases (see Traveller's Tips #2 for full list of basket contents), this jolity has the added effect of making you feel that your hat is not as rad as you previously thought, which may even lead to you not wearing it as much and getting heat stroke.
Who needs air conditioning even in Melbourne during one of it's hottest years? With the live bands playing at the appropriately-named "Noise Bar" situated on the ground floor you won't be sleeping much anyway!
Keep your eyes out for the locals - like Nina from the room next door, will she ever get her ex-boyfriend to leave her alone? Not until he gives her back her wallet!
Enjoy your stay, and in the words of dry cleaner and semi-permanent resident Val "never lose your keys!"
Access to medical facilities is obviously easy, as is indicated by the first guest you meet - a biker sporting a neck-brace and fashionable sunglasses (not just for hiding bruises)
After passing through the spacious kitchen/lounge well-stocked with your favourite magazine titles (including personal favourite The Hep C Review) you come to the hotel's smoking balcony which can only be described as "in a state of advanced decay". Brave a few moments on this stationary rollercoaster to take in the sights...
Across the street is a Safeway supermarket where attractive female cashiers will be happy to poke fun at your inadequate food purchases (see Traveller's Tips #2 for full list of basket contents), this jolity has the added effect of making you feel that your hat is not as rad as you previously thought, which may even lead to you not wearing it as much and getting heat stroke.
Who needs air conditioning even in Melbourne during one of it's hottest years? With the live bands playing at the appropriately-named "Noise Bar" situated on the ground floor you won't be sleeping much anyway!
Keep your eyes out for the locals - like Nina from the room next door, will she ever get her ex-boyfriend to leave her alone? Not until he gives her back her wallet!
Enjoy your stay, and in the words of dry cleaner and semi-permanent resident Val "never lose your keys!"
Traveller's Tips #2
QUICK MEALS!!!!
A packet microwave Mac & Cheese meal is not only a bargain at around a dollar, but can also be used to make multiple MEALS. Here's how...
1. The instructions suggest microwaving the Macaroni provided - instead, don't read the instructions correctly and heat your own macaroni, then when you open the pack expecting cheese powder to pour out you will realise that you have an extra supply of macaroni (+ 1 meal!)
2. When the instructions advise you not to drain any water from the bowl after you have microwaved the pasta, just add the cheese powder and allow to thicken - do as you are told, thus creating a 2-in-1 meal - vaguely cheesy tasting undercooked macaroni and a thin cheese soup to boot!
Stay tuned for more tips, such as - why combine Orange & Mango concentrate with water when you can drink the water and the concentrate seperately - who cares if the concentrate comes in a packet that makes it look like straight juice!
A packet microwave Mac & Cheese meal is not only a bargain at around a dollar, but can also be used to make multiple MEALS. Here's how...
1. The instructions suggest microwaving the Macaroni provided - instead, don't read the instructions correctly and heat your own macaroni, then when you open the pack expecting cheese powder to pour out you will realise that you have an extra supply of macaroni (+ 1 meal!)
2. When the instructions advise you not to drain any water from the bowl after you have microwaved the pasta, just add the cheese powder and allow to thicken - do as you are told, thus creating a 2-in-1 meal - vaguely cheesy tasting undercooked macaroni and a thin cheese soup to boot!
Stay tuned for more tips, such as - why combine Orange & Mango concentrate with water when you can drink the water and the concentrate seperately - who cares if the concentrate comes in a packet that makes it look like straight juice!
Sunday 31 January 2010
Rad or Dad
Hi, welcome back! :) Yay!!! xox
There's been a hell of a lot of traffic concerning whether or not the hat purchased by Colaster is "Rad" or in fact "Red" - I'll just take a moment to clear this one up once and for all.
The hat in question is actually rad and not red - ah ha ha [cough cough] hmmm...
Okay, the phone lines are now closed on that one but keep your eyes open for more possible typos in future posts - should be fun
There's been a hell of a lot of traffic concerning whether or not the hat purchased by Colaster is "Rad" or in fact "Red" - I'll just take a moment to clear this one up once and for all.
The hat in question is actually rad and not red - ah ha ha [cough cough] hmmm...
Okay, the phone lines are now closed on that one but keep your eyes open for more possible typos in future posts - should be fun
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